half a decade

Five years ago tomorrow, our world completely changed.  You don't think having a baby will be that big of a deal- I mean, you KNOW it's a big deal, but going from a couple to a couple with a baby doesn't really seem like that big of a transition- everyone does it.  I don't remember anyone telling me to savor those moments before kids got here-- not because the moments after kids are bad, but because they are different, and one on one time for even just a conversation with your spouse becomes sort of....rare.  I don't know if I would've listened to them anyway, even if someone had told me that.  Because you just aren't expecting the change that comes your way.    But I'm lovin those people who take those "Babymoon"s because THAT is the way to go...send out your last bit of time as just the two of you in styyyyle.  Anyway, five years ago, after three years of marriage (almost), our duo became a trio when Sawyer Miles was born.

I wasn't really progressing any in labor, and Sawyer was kind of large it seemed, and since it was my first baby and we weren't sure how labor would go, we went in a year ago tonight and began paperwork and some preliminary stuff for an induction.  The nurse was generous to say I was dilated to even a 1/2 cm, bc I was not budging at all.  The medication they gave me that night caused contractions, so I was taken off of it, and just slept the night in the hospital. The morning of June 9th, we began the induction, and for all the gripe some people have about it, mine was perfect.  I got my epidural early, I was progressing okay but not super rapidly, so the doctor broke my water, things started to move super quickly, the doctor came in just as I was about to have to push.  And then, one or two pushes later, we had an 8 lb 14 oz baby boy.  I don't like it when people say babies are perfect, bc really no one is, and it kinda tears at my heart a bit because if some babies are called perfect, that means some are thought to be imperfect, and having a child that some of the world views as "broken" is not something I like knowing about first hand...so I will not say Sawyer was perfect-- but he was spectacular...he was splendid....he was gorgeous....and he was fat...that's for sure.  It was love at first sight.  We went home a few days later and began our life as 3.  Sawyer was a pretty good baby, slept okay, nursed like a champ, wasn't really fussy very often at all.  And as he grew, he had the hugest, bluest eyes.  What a charmer, that kid.

Fast forward a few years later...skipping over the milestones like first teeth, first haircut, first word (okay, we shouldn't skip that one- his first word was NO.  I knew a strong willed child was in our future from that moment on), first time to eat an enchilada out of the trash, first time to unroll all the toilet paper and shove it all  in the toilet, first time to mess up people's names (Garret=A-yo, Binet'= Mae, Grammy=Gibby and that one stuck), cute ramblings (goggygoggygoggy was some of our first consistent talking, whatever it meant)...all kinds of firsts.  Now we are about to have a 5 year old.  And in celebration of all things Sawyer, here is my birthday letter to him.

Dear Sawyer:
Before you were born, I knew I loved you. I just didn't know how much.  I guess I still don't know how much.  You melted my heart as soon as I set eyes on you--I knew for nine months you were coming, but I couldn't fathom that moment of them laying you on my chest-- me actually meeting you, face to face, a real live little tiny human being!  Oh how proud your daddy and I were (and are!) of you.  Most definitely you were one of the cutest babies ever, and how blessed we are to have been chosen to be your parents!  I can guarantee no one has made us laugh as much as you have-- you say the funniest things.  You are also so caring and loving towards your brother, and usually towards your dad and I :).  I am so proud of how you help take care of Ridge and how you love on him every day.  You are also a great helper-- you usually do what you are asked and are now big enough to help with chores around the house.  I appreciate your willing heart.  You have a questioning spirit right now-- you want to know things that I don't always have the answer to...you take things very literally even when they aren't meant that way-- it is innocent, it is funny, and it is one of the things I love about you!  The last two years of your life have been difficult, not by your own choosing.  When I look at your brother, I realize that when he was born, you were only about 8 or 9 months older than he is today.  I can't believe that time flies that quickly, even in adversity.  I can't believe you were that small when so much heaviness hit our hearts.  I am so thankful that things are better now.  I am thankful that you were young enough that hopefully most of this will be a distant memory soon, if even that.  There truly are no words to say for how much we love you-- you are our firstborn, you completely changed our lives-- you changed our priorities, you brought us more love and laughter, you taught us how to operate on less sleep, you brightened our lives in a way we could never have expected.  You are by far one of God's greatest blessings in our life.  I am so proud of you for being a strong learner-- willing to ask questions, being able to read and spell and add and memorize.  I am proud of you for being a helper. I am proud of you for being a friend to your brother.  I am proud of you for learning to ride your bike! and learning to make your bed!!!  You are such a fun friend to have, and your loyalty runs deep.  You come by your independence honestly, and that is a quality I am okay with.  I pray you will always be willing to learn, that you will stick to what you know is right, that you will always be compassionate and a friend to those in need of one, and that you will be willing to be molded into the person God has created you to be. I know you are destined for greatness, and I can not wait to continue watching you grow.  I love you with all my heart, my handsome blue eyed boy!