i know.

so my last post was a little bit "woe is me" i guess, but it was and is how i feel, truly.  a couple of you left sweet comments, and i'm gonna roll with one of those today.  one of our dear nurses, who so lovingly even put a "welcome back ridge" note on ridge's marker board when we were readmitted to the hospital last time, commented, "for i know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord....." jer. 29:11.

touche. :)


i'm sad. i'm sad about work. i'm sad that sawyer had some disgusting drainage, cough, fever, nastiness all weekend, and now we all seem to have it, except no fever so far in any of us, THANK YOU JESUS! i'm sad ridge has all this nasty snot everywhere and has trouble sleeping and breathing because of it, and i'm sad his diapers are dark again, and i don't understand why his hgb isn't really changing much, but i'm glad of that.  i hate feeling like we live on the edge and not really being able to make set in stone plans with anyone.  i hate living with a bag packed, with my trunk full of stuff we'll need at the hospital.  i hate that all my makeup, hair stuff, meds, whatevers, are in a bag and i get ready, in my own house, every day, like  i am at a hotel, or the hospital or something bc none of my things are even where they go, bc if i put them away, i will most likely forget something when we do have to go back to the hospital.

i know the plans i have for you.

i don't like how ridge's medicine bag/pump falls to the ground every time i lean over.  i don't like how he wants to crawl but isn't yet, and even when he can, he will only be able to go 3 feet before he's out of room, bc that's how long the tubing on his line is.  i wonder if things will ever be normal. i know things will get better, but will they ever just be NORMAL!?!? i hate wondering if i should take ridge to the doctor, because if he has a fever, we automatically go into the hospital, so i can't wait until he has a fever to ever take him to the dr....but sometimes that's the only way you know something is up....so how do i know if the congestion warrants a trip to the doctor? he won't take meds for the congestion, bc usually babies don't take meds for that....he doesn't have an infection anywhere yet, that we know of, bc he doesn't have a fever....he can't take antibiotics w/o going to the hospital bc he will start bleeding on them.  i have no idea how to know what to do!

i know the plans i have for you.

sometimes nothing we do can get ridge to stop crying.  with a normal baby this would be annoying.  with ridge, it's annoying, and it causes you to question what's going on- is he bleeding? is it mlt related? is he sick? do you think he has a fever?  did you remember to give him that medicine earlier?  it's always something.  then there's sawyer, who is one of the lights of our lives, and who takes this all in stride like a true superhero.  but from our side of it, we worry about him being neglected and left out and us missing things bc of ridge and all our focus on him.  will he be any worse for the wear by the time this is over one day?  will my focus today result in a wayward child in the future?  does he know how much we love him?  does he feel loved? 

i know the plans i have for you.

will we be able to pay all these medical bills?  what if this lasts for years-- will we still be able to pay those bills? will we be able to have another baby one day? will we be able to buy a bigger vehicle when that time comes?  even if we have the money, will we be able to go on vacations?  does any of that even matter? will i ever be able to focus more on giving to others than worrying about us? sheesh.

i know the plans i have for you.

i could go on and on bc my mind and body are so full of worries.  but i don't want to seem like debbie downer here, because that isn't my  point.

my life is good. my life is also a crisis. and a gigantic question mark.  what's your life?  what are you facing?  we all have giants, so to speak- what's yours?  are you worrying about how to pay whatever bill? you don't understand why life seems to have dealt you a bad hand?  school/work/dating/marriage/money/debt/friendships/needs/whatever....is just ruling your life?  i hear ya. i get it.  i'm right there with you.  but maybe we all need to take a step back...and breathe...and i'm talking to myself here, so no offense need be taken....maybe some of those circumstances in your life were brought about by poor choices, and i have certainly made my fair share of those.....and if that's the case, you, and i, we need to get that junk out of our lives.  but maybe, just maybe, you have fallen on hard times for whatever other reason.  i don't know why. you don't know why.  but the weight of your  concerns and struggles is heavy enough to be tangible maybe.  i certainly can understand that.  but i can't make sense of it for you.  you can't either.  not yet. 

i know the plans i have for you.


"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the LORD.  plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  plans to give you  hope, and a future.
jeremiah 29:11


hope.  i like it.  and a future.  i love it.

good stuff.