My photo
wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

miss montana's in the i guess i should give something else away?

Okay, let me preface this giveaway with the honest truth....not that there is really any other kind of truth....
i really secretly like/want to keep what i'm giving away.  yukon is the greatest-- at the beginning of each school year, they host something called The Breakfast.  Organizations/businesses around town sponsor a table/tables and serve the teachers breakfast and usually also hook us up with some sweet prizes/goodies!  This past year, I didn't get to go bc I was with Ridge in the hospital, but the year before, my friends and I sat at the CNW West table, which is where Sawyer used to go to daycare, and we won something super great if you are a mom.  That's why I don't want to get rid of it.  But I'm not going to lie-- I have/had every intention of using it, then we got a Mac, I've been digital photo booking everything, plus with Ridge in the hospital so often and my sewing/crafting other things, I just haven't gotten a chance.  So please know, it is very bittersweet to be passing this along to you!  I think CNW would agree it would be better that someone be actually getting to use it than it just sitting on my shelf going unused, me looking at it every day thinking, I SO need to work on that!  BUT alas, let me just say Bdawg and I have been married almost seven years....and I haven't even finished one of these from our wedding/honeymoon yet.  So you gotta know, I don't think I will ever get around to it, no matter how much I want to and no matter the fact I think it's just about one of the cutest things ever.  So, friends at CNW who read this-- please know, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this prize.  LOVE it.  That's why I know someone else will too, so I gotta pass it on, share the love, pay it forward, whatever you want to call it.  This is so not a trash to treasure giveaway (hannah montana)....this is a treasure to treasure giveaway, IMO. 

Here's what you're playing for:

In this box, which is cute enough to play for, in my opinion, is a scrapbook, a couple of sets of stickers/decals (idk scrapbook lingo, never learned it), some ribbon, flower petally things, stamps, ink pad, fringe-y stuff, cardboard letters, little pushpin/brad things....idk what all, but it's ALL cute.  and it's pretty big....the way it's packaged right now, probably about 24" high and 18" across, but I'm not gonna lie, it will probably be taken out of the packaging, put in the adorable box, and in a bigger box, when I mail it.  So if you're wanting it all cutesy packaged like it is in this picture, you might want to reconsider entering!  Anyway, the colors are a sage to lime green and a corally reddish pink.  other than the flowers, I think you could use it for a boy or a girl, but that's my opinion.

To enter, all you gotta do is leave a comment.  If you can't comment on the blog for some reason, which I still can't figure out, bc multiple times I've tried to comment as anonymous, and it works every I don't know what the deal is, BUT if you can't comment, you can always gain an entry by emailing me.  I guess since not everyone can comment, I will only allow one entry per person, either by email or by comment.  The winner will be selected whenever we have time to select them, and it will be by random selection via my 3 year old.  Happy winning- bc I think this is a good prize! GREAT prize!

xoxoxoxo (esp to you gals over at CNW!)

Monday, April 26, 2010

breathless scumbag

I don't have a good title today. I don't have a lot of time today. Dinner's in the oven, I have a double date with two trig students in about 45  minutes to crank out some mega trig before their next test, and I have a pile of baby shoes- pile is an understatement!- on the table begging me to sew them.  Little ones, you will have to wait, bc I need to make some serious jewelry for the jewelry party this weekend and the craft show next weekend.  May is CUH-RAZY for me.  I think we have something every single weekend.  Busy busy.  But it's good to be home.  We spent a brief amt of time over Ridge's bday in the hospital.  We had fun, and I have several pictures to post. But not now.

Here's where I'm at right now: the same place I find myself pretty much all the time through this new life of ours...breathless. Somedays in a good way, lots of days in a notsogood way.  I  am out of breath from running all over tarnation- or at least from hospital to home to hospital...I am breathless from fear of "will this get ridge sick?" I am breathless from wondering, "do we get him his one year vaccinations or not? will that set him off? when can we try to come off the octreotide and get that stupid central line out of his chest? what if it doesn't work? will our life ever be normal? why why why?" breathless.

i am breathless when I stop and think of provisions made for us throughout this whole ordeal. breathless at the opportunities presenting themselves to us every day.  in love with how God is allowing me to make some fraction of my paycheck back through my business, which will soon be official when i fill out the tax forms.  i have always wanted to earn a living, or earn a something, from a talent i have-- i'm a crafty one of sorts....and i like being able to make fun cute things and let people buy them.  i am breathless at the opportunity given to me this past week by a local boutique being willing to sell my things there-- (thanks! xoxo!) i am breathless at my friend andrea, whose little boy also has MLT, and her words of encouragement, promising things WILL get better and we WILL be able to live a normal life one day.  i can NEVER hear her say that enough. never ever.  i am breathless at how much those stinkin nurses and techs love ridge...and even silly sawyer!  i am breathless at some of the friendships i  now have simply bc my child lived on the 8th floor of the hospital for so long the girls there are not only my son's caretaker, they are,well, my friends.  i can't type about that any more, bc i will overflow with tears. but 8th floor ladies, you gotta know there's lotsa love in this momma's heart for you. 

i am so unworthy. i am bottom of the barrel scum most days, but God is continuing to take care of us.  and when i am having trouble remembering that, He reminds me. that is all.

goodnight, fellow scumbags...or fellow non-scumbags.  love to you all!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

hannah montana drama

Well, a couple of you almost convinced me to keep the movie. But, alas, we aren't keeping it.  To say thanks to all of you who daily read the blog, we're giving know, "one man's trash, another man's treasure" type stuff.  And the winner, picked randomly out of a hat, proverbially speaking, by Sawyer, is....

Courtney Horne.

Courtney, remind me your mailing address and I will get that out to you as soon as I can! email me @ or you can just facebok it to me.

CONGRATS!:) don't worry. i have at least 2 more prizes.  More on that soon.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear sweet baby Ridge....
One year ago, you entered this world.
For nine months, I carried you...felt you kick and flip and hiccup.
I let you grow as big as you wanted (8 lbs 12 oz...)
I loved you before I ever saw you.
And when the doctor handed you to me, my first words, "hi, ridge!" were spoken through tears, and quickly, "he looks EXACTLY like sawyer!" followed.
You entered the world on your granddaddy's birthday, a special day indeed.  He would've loved you to bits.
You entered the world quickly, but not without being noticed-- through every bit of strength that epidural could muster, I still felt those contractions.  After they finally gave me the strongest whatever they could give me, the pain stopped, you arrived, and I threw up in front of your Aunt Binet'.  

You were born with lots and lots of black hair, and though your eyes were blue at birth, they soon turned brown...I'd always wanted a brown eyed baby.

Your daddy and your brother loved you from the start.  Sawyer wanted to name you Hollywood, and was disappointed, at first, that your name was not, in fact, actually Hollywood.  But he adjusted and he loves you dearly and is a great helper and playmate for you.  Your daddy is a tremendous baby holder, and you always sleep best on his chest.  You've looked just like him from the get-go.

  Here you are, one year ago (tomorrow) of the greatest, happiest days of my life.

From that day forward, we have loved you.  Not without trial.  Not without frustration.  Not without pain and tears.  But we have loved.  We will continue to love.  Every minute of every day with you is a blessing, and though your incredible spoiled nature (thanks to your parents and all the nurses who love you dearly, as well as the rest of your family members) makes it nearly impossible to ever get anything done without holding you, you are a miracle among us.  Not until six weeks into your life did we even have any inkling that anything was amiss in your little body.  And oh, how most every moment since then has been bittersweet.  Hospitalizations are always a pain, because we want you home, not in the hospital.  But at the hospital, some of the people who have come to love you and come to defend you, jump at the chance to take care of you.  Being home is always such a blessing with a small lining of long this time? Will you be bleeding tomorrow?  Will you get sick if I take you here/there/wherever?  

And please know, sweet baby Ridgey, that you are loved by everyone around you- family, friends, nurses, community....

And you have a mama who couldn't be happier that your first, and only word, is.... "mama".

Oh, Ridge....never could we stop loving you.  I carried you in my belly for nine months. I will carry you in my heart for all my lifetime.  And one year ago, on your BIRTHday, you were covered in love at the hospital. This year, on your first birthday, you will be covered in love at the hospital.  And it, too, while bittersweet, will be one of the greatest, happiest days of my life.  Your momma loves you....with all her heart, and, as Sawyer says, with all the corn.
Here you are, about one year from your birth.  My sweet baby. 

Happy first.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

i've got a present....for you! or you? or you?

Now, I'm going to admit I didn't do an A+ job of it, but Monday, I cleaned out the garage.  I did throw quite a bit away, but anything on shelves or in boxes pretty much got to stay where it was.  HOWEVER.....some things were salvaged.  Not for me, but for some of you.  Seeing as to how this is the week of Ridge's numero uno birthday, and we have toys coming out our ears, and gifts galore....I don't need some of this stuff.  So the first item up for grabs is sure a funny one.  So here's some background:

We've been in the hospital a LOT since July.
Most of that time , I was the parent with Ridge, bc BDawg had to be at work.
When neither of you are really at home, things get overlooked.
Which is why I even have this prize to begin with.
We USEDto be members of something called....The Disney Movie Club.  It was great.  Except for the fact that if you didn't want the movie of the month, you had to call and say you didn't want it. Or send in your form and check the box that said you didn't want it.  And if you neglected to do those things, you got the movie...AND paid for it.  No more of that malarkey.  We cancelled that right quick two years later when we'd forgotten to take care of that a few times.  Most of the movies we received through this little trap DMC had set for us our error are movies we will watch, do watch, have watched, whatever.  So they were like presents we didn't really need to buy but we bought them, like it or not, so we were happy.  However....I was not aware of our (probably) LAST accidental DMC purchase.  Until I cleaned out the garage.
It was with great splendor and excitement I reacted when I saw the corrugated cardboard box.  I knew there was a movie in it.  Both boys were home with me that day, so I was super excited to have found some leverage for the 3 year old.
The package was dated sometime in November.  What a treasure! Six months in the making!
But our loss is your gain.  Because God has given me two wonderful young boys.  They will get older. But unfortunatelythankfully, they will never turn into the tweenage little girls who would be interested, ecstatic, super happy happy happy to watch this:

It's all yours, people.  Leave a comment.  Or send me an email.

I will put all your names in a proverbial hat, Sawyer will draw one, and I will send you your prize.
Don't worry. It's new. In the box. Still shrinkwrapped.
Happy....whateverday to you!

(Contest open until I close it, and anyone can win, family is not excluded, although I'm most definitely certain none of my immediate family will be needing THIS).

Saturday, April 17, 2010

i suppose it's time for an update

wow.  not a lot to say, but i know it's been FOREVER since we've posted anything too new or pertinent here.

so here's the newsy notes:

1. Ridge is home. We were in the hospital last thurs (4/8) through Monday (4/12) because he was having a bleed related to the cold/congestion/respiratory virus/whatever he had.  strange to think that a cold would make someone have GI bleeding, but this disease is a mystery.  It is of utmost importance we try to avoid Ridge getting sick.  Which is why at the sign of any illness any of us have been around, I became a total freak.  It is so hard to decide whether getting out for this or that is even worth it when something so minor can set Ridge off. I think he got two transfusions this time.  His hgb isn't super high, it's in the 9's, but we are home anyway, because all we'd be doing at the hospital is sitting and waiting.  So we're home.
 2.  Ridge is on the last four weeks of his steroid wean, providing nothing major happens in these four weeks (bleeds/illness/vomit/fever/etc.)  So hopefully, in four weeks, he'll be off the steroid, and be able to function a little better under stress/illness.  Who knows.  His steroid, currently, is in tablet form.  We mix it in with some baby food. He's not dummy.  He knows it's in there. And steroids taste nasty.

3.  Ridge is small, still. Hopefully as he continues to come off the steroids, he will grow.  We try to feed him as much as he'll eat....He will have to take pediasure instead of whole milk at one year of age, in order to get some complete nutrition, plus several cals/ounce.  He hates the pediasure.  He just wants to be breastfed and eat baby food.  It's frustrating that he won't take it.  Pray that he will respond to it, or that we will be able to give him the whole milk with supplementation or that he would just start to grow!  He's a tiny thing.

4.  He's a tiny thing who will be ONE year old in SIX DAYS!  Unbelievable.  In some ways this year has flown by and in other ways I feel like I've aged ten years and that Ridge should be five by now or something. 

5.  Sawyer is a big boy.  He is no baby anymore. He's a great helper and mostly obedient.  He is good at going to bed most nights, and is super pumped that tonight is pallet night, and that Cox On Demand has all THREE of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies on Demand.  We've gone through two of them, tonight we'll be watching numero tres.  Uncle Garret would be so proud. :)  I am working with Sawyer at home, trying to teach him to write his name.  We worked with the letter S some this past week and he was a good and patient student. I don't know how he is for his super sweet teachers at school, but for me,while he can have an attitude at times, when we were "learning," he was soakin it up.

6.I've been busy.  I am about to post some photos over here:
I am having a jewelry party at the home of a friend and would-be coworker if I were at school this year...that's in a couple of weeks. I've got a couple more lined up during the summer.  I am also going to a craft show in Noble May 8th.  So those things are exciting.  It's hard to find time to get everything done, but I love my work.   I've also been overly privileged to be asked to speak at Southern Hills Baptist Church May 4th. I don't have a lot ready, because our life changes so rapidly, I feel I will probably just have to let loose from the heart of the moment that night.  It's been a long time since I've shared in a large group, so I am excited and nervous.  I am excited to get to share this testimony of our lives....I am more excited for Ridge to one day be able to stand and share his faith and his testimony of how God took him through something so ridiculous as MLT....and I pray and hope every day that when Ridge stands before people, a miracle in front of my own eyes, that  he will not even have any recollection how scary this beast of a disease can be. 

7.  I have some stuff to type about b-dawg and more updates on myself as well, but it will have to wait for now.  Gonna upload some pics and get back to work before pallet night starts!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

easter easter!

It's easter Sunday.  12:16 PM.  Here's how we've celebrated today, so far.

A few days ago, we colored eggs.  You can see photos of those eggs here.

The Easter Bunny came to visit last night.  I don't have photos of that.  Ridge got a mega blocks truck that has a few mega blocks, not many, bc Sawyer has a gajillion, and bc we don't need any toys.  Sawyer got lots of candy and Silly Putty-- two colors of Silly Putty...which he promptly mixed together against my instructions.

We tried to go to church. We got all dressed and ready, pictures later, i don't have energy to upload them now.  Everyone looked snazzy.  We got to church, fellowshipped a bit, enjoyed seeing everyone, enjoyed singing hymns about the risen Savior....then Sawyer couldn't be still.  couldn't be quiet.  so we went for a walk, me and the boy, and had a talk, me and the boy, about being quieter in church.  during said talk he sits down and a strange odor permeates the area.  time for him to try to potty. i'm exasperated by now.  he won't potty.  we go back to the church service.  sawyer is better behaved.  ridge starts to cry. brandon takes baby out trying to get him to sleep.  the message begins.  all things go quiet.  except....for the loud RIPPING sound coming from sawyer's backside.  It was NOT his pants ripping.  I quickly remove him from the room, and now all four of us are in the foyer area.  Ugh. it was a disaster.  So we left early.  It was a downer for me, I was ready to be back at church w/ our friends, our church family. I'm sure it's funny.  But it isn't right now.  I left out the best part-- me catching Sawyer with his finger in his undies TWICE, "checking for poop."  WHAT? who the heck taught him THAT nasty move?

The Easter Bunny hid Easter Eggs while I finished making lunch. We shall go find them a little later.'s the best part about spending holidays alone.  Granted, home cookin' from our mommas and grammies would be best, or if i had enough energy to make a big meal, that'd be great too...BUT here's the greatest thing ever.  I'm married to a country boy. Not that I'm a big city girl, myself, but moreso than my spouse (obviously I'm more of a girl than him, I mean the big city part).  ANYWAY, he loooooved beans and cornbread. I like it so so, but it's not my fave, and I'd never pick to have that.  SO we rarely have it.  But bring on his birthday, or Christmas, or Easter...and that's what he's gonna ask for.  So what normally would be in our reserves for poorer times in life are reserved for holidays.  AT least for this season in our life. And that's perfect with me.  Easy easy stuff.  Plus Sawyer wanted brownies for dessert, so I made those...and no one was in here, so I took a spatula to the extra batter and did away with that all on my own.  It was necessary.

this afternoon brings hunting of eggs and planting of flowers and a garden.  wahoo.  happy easter, world. 

Friday, April 2, 2010

it's friday, but sunday is comin'....

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulder
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom