it's raining.

It's not really. not literally i mean.  But it is....it is just pouring around here.  I wish I could write out a list of the blows I feel are pounding us right now.  Some of it I can't share yet, and some of it I can, and some of it is old stuff that just isn't old, bc it may have had "time" but it will never be old.  Of course, everything with Ridge is always heavy on us.  Even when he's doing well.  Every day I beg with fear I shouldnt' have that God would let Ridge be healed, that today would be a good day, that we could avoid the hospital.  A lot of days I am discouraged because I don't like to get Ridge out a lot because of his weakened immune system, so I don't get to get out a lot....unless I'm by myself, which is great sometimes, but other times, it's just lonely.  I'd be lying if I said the entire ordeal hasn't had some effect on our household and the way our family functions.  So all of this is always there.  Coupled with the loss of Brandon's dad a little over two years ago....and if you've lost someone close to you, especially a parent, or sibling, or child I'm sure...that just doesn't go away. Brad wasn't my dad, but he was another, a second dad to me.  And I miss him every day.  I know it has to be that much more wrenching to those who were truly, are truly, his.  I am thankful to have both of my parents still living.  But I have experienced loss- loss of my dad's dad when I was in college, to the debilitating alzheimer's....loss of my mom's mom to a stroke that caused her to also not be herself.  Never knowing my mom's dad, but always imagining we'd be great friends.  Loss of Brandon's mom's dad early in my relationship to Brandon.  Loss of Brandon's dad.  And tonight....the loss of Brandon's dad's dad.  I don't know that I could say it totally came out of the blue, because he'd been having issues with the stints he'd had placed.  But it was kind of a shock.  I knew it as soon as I saw Brandon answer the phone....but it was just really not expected in our household tonight.  This is sad, this is stressful, in ANY time, ANY event.  It is that much moreso in our household with an "on eggshells" situation-- working out a way to get Brandon there, and get me some back up help here...praying the weather isn't HORRENDOUS if we were to have to go to the hospital....I'm so sick of the worry and fear and concern that plagues me...I know it isn't supposed to, so you don't have to tell me that. I'm just sort of blabbing aimlessly here.  But tonight, we lost someone...not truly lost, because we know where he is....tonight he embraces three children who went on to be with Jesus before he did...tonight he embraces our Savior himself....But as you know, with death, while we can rejoice, we are still saddened.  Papa was one of my favorite people in the world.  He still is.  Brad was another one of my favorite people in the world. He still is.  Both of them never hesitated to get on the floor to play with Sawyer, and Pa pa, even three years later when Ridge came along, didn't hesitate to get on the floor and crawl around with him and Sawyer.  The man was incredible.  Still is.  There was no awkward transition into his house for someone who didn't grow up eating lunch there every school day. :)  He and nanny became my grandparents.  I don't mean there was an awkward transition anywhere else, I'm just focusing here on Nanny and PaPa for tonight.  He reminded me a lot of my papaw, the grandfather who died when I was in college.  He always asked how my school year was going, how my students were....he got nanny a laptop to use when she had surgery...but he became email savvy and read the blog regularly...did research on the internet.....even SKYPED!!! ha ha ha....we always joked about how we'd see him on facebook one day.  oh i love that man.  so anyway, hearts are heavy tonight.  That isn't all that's going on in our family of four and our extended family, but that is all I can share right now.  Tonight it is quiet in my house and the air is thick.  I keep breathing a prayer ... "even so, come Lord, Jesus, come...." oh how I just want all the junk to just be over.  i know it's part of life.  but that doesnt' mean i like it.  it doesn't mean i will always smile about it.  i miss pa pa.  i miss brad.  i miss the fact i don't get to enjoy ridge's infancy the way i got to enjoy sawyer's.  i am missing my nephew's first birthday today because it's too risky to go that far away with ridge and his condition and the steroid wean....

we are just weary.  this week has been a real turning point for me- i have become more overwhelmed with everything than i've been the entire time.  it seems there is little breathing room and there is always something going on. our hearts are heavy, our house is somber, and we need your prayers, still.  i know a day is coming where we will be able to smile genuinely. we will be able to break through the darkness by the grace of God.  so we keep trudging on.  but it just seems like we need a break.  praise the Lord ridge has been doing well- i do remember to stop and count my blessings.  but this raining/pouring episode has got to end.  not that i call the shots...because if anything, i am fully aware that i do not.  no matter how much i want to. 

so tonight, i'm going to snuggle in with my boys and watch a late night movie.  and think of pa pa.  i will leave you with this: