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wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Saturday, March 27, 2010

i have the most boring life on planet earth.

Okay, there are a bajillllllllion ways I could start this post.  But I choose to start it this way:
   For every one of you who has ever said I should write a book, I used to think, "No way."  But tonight, the scales have dropped from my eyes, and I have seen the light....the light that has exposed the truth-- I have enough material to write a book.  Any gaps that baby ridge's story has are EASILY filled by sawyer.  and gaps being filled is an excellent way to describe what sawyer does.  I'd also like to say, this post is going to make you laugh.  Possibly spit-milk-out-of-your-nose laugh.  I warned you.  In a very appropriate phrase, I warned you.
  before i go on, if you want to catch your breath and gain a lot of composure, bc you are about to lose it with laughter, check out the photo blog's new pics.
so, tonight, after my sister in law and her hubs left our house to head back to tx, i finished proofreading a senior paper for our pastor's son.  normally, when i finish a project on the weekend, i move on to another one.  but tonight, i wasn't feeling it.  so i held ridgey, and kept feeling.....i can't believe it.....bored.  for the first time in a LONG time, i felt free enough to feel bored at home.  and while i am thankful for that, i also wanted to do SOMETHING.  now, i have a lot to be doing, but none of that was my priority tonight. i wanted to hang out with the fam.  so...i mentioned, several times, bc i was competing with march madness and two children, "I'm bored."  finally, bdawg passed me the remote and said i could rent a movie or whatever.  i fed the baby instead and decided that gave me at least an hour and a half before he'd eat again, so i was gonna take a long bath all alone....that's like my life long dream.  well, i always take a bath alone.  but just because no one's in the tub with me does not mean that no one busts in the bathroom saying, "MOMMY!" or "he won't stop crying, i gotta leave him in here with you." or whatever. And I get it, that's part of being a parent. I can take it.  But tonight, it looked like there was hope on the horizon.  I lit my little candles, got my book all ready, drew up the bath water.....i was ready to go.  I got all settled in, but before I did so, I told Brandon I'd be out in a while, and if Sawyer wanted to finish that trail mix in his bowl on the bar, he better do it. 
  i had been in the bathtub all of about five seconds fifteen/twenty minutes (I know, call me a lush if you want, but if i'm gonna be in solitude in the tub, i could sit and soak for two hours.  i like to read, i like to nap, i like to just sit and have QUIET!  ask my sister in law who endured a trip back from Babies R Us today-- i took the scenic route on purpose and enjoyed every minute of it-- not only bc I was with her but bc I was WITHOUT kids for awhile. i love the boys, i do. you know that. but....well, no buts. i'm just sayin, i like hanging out with adults, too.) SO anyway, in busts BDawg with the Ridger.  I said, "You have GOT to be kidding me." and HE said, "No. Tell that to the other one who just stuck a raisin up his nose."  anyway, I responded, "I guess take him to the ER if you can't get it out."  So Ridgey splashed his hand in my bathwater.  Ridgey ripped up the magazine beside the bath and put pieces of it in my bathwater.  Ridgey was all smiles and livin it up.  The whole time I'm hearing some sort of barbaric yelling going on in the other room and I am trying my hardest to imagine calm....serenity....a nice relaxing bath time.  yeah yeah yeah.  so i finally get out, it's quiet, so i assume brandon and sawyer have headed to the ER.  So I start getting ready for bed, and bdawg busts in with Ridge's meds for the night. I ask "did you get it?" He says, "no, but I gotta give Ridge these meds" so I say, "i'll give the meds, you get the raisin." To which I remember, he's already taken the tweezers (eek!) and been unsuccessful...what's he gonna do?  I'm the queen of google, but my husband isn't the King of it...but this time, he came through- he said, "well I read you're supposed to pinch one nostril shut, breath in their mouth, and hopefully it will blow out the other nostril.  So i've done that several times, but he keeps breathing it back in.  I could see it, but now it's so far in there I can't see it at all."  So...I sent him away. I gave Ridge the meds, I was all ready for Ridge and I just chilled in our bedroom, looked at some old pictures, facebooked from the ipod....just hung out.  All the while, I'm hearing things like, "stop breathing it back in!" and other yelling I can't decipher.  Finally, Sawyer AND Brandon come in the bathroom/bedroom.  The raisin is still MIA.  So we're discussing what to do.  I suggest ER, Brandon says, "well, apparently this is pretty popular (not that I doubt that), and raisins top the list." I told Sawyer he's gonna have to go to the hospital to get it out, and he says, with a huge look of terror, "Are they gonna have to cut me? are they gonna cut my nose?" the tears are in the works, and I quickly do damage control with "no no no- no cutting! it will just be scary, but it won't really hurt."  to which brandon has to apologize because apparently in that barbaric yelling, things like, "if you don't be still we're gonna have to go to the dr. and they are gonna have to dig through your ear and cut your nose off to get that raisin out." were said.  So, with good reason, the kid is terrified.  Okay, crisis averted. So I look at sawyer and I say  (you better get ready for this, people), "WHY did you put a raisin in your nose?" and without missing a beat, he replies, "I thought it might tickle." pause pause pause (while brandon and i stifle our laughter bc we don't want sawyer breathing too much and getting that raisin stuck somewhere) "but it did NOT tickle."  
i have one funny kid.
Bdawg and sawyer left for the ER, exam was done on the kid's nose by two docs, no raisin to be found.  conclusion: he probably swallowed it.  watch for signs of infection in the next few days.
my conclusion: sawyer wanted the insurance company to know we had another kid.

laugh it up.


Erin said...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! This was hilarious! I love how you reason why Sawyer did it...tooo funny! And I love how you and Ridge just chilled in the other room the entire time this was all going down!

John would have panicked and I would have been the one gettingout of the bath tot exam the nose...but he definitely would have googled it!

Thanks for the great laugh I needed it after some bad family news this weekend!

Melissa said...

I was laughing so hard reading this that Richard came in. I told him and we were both laughing so hard that we woke Owen up! Thanks for sharing the laugh. I needed that! :)

Katie said...

Ha! I love that kid! Things like that happened all the time to my parents. Apparently my dad lost a screw once while putting together something-or-another. They thought I swallowed it, so rush to the ER for chest x-rays. Didn't find it. When we got home, the screw was magically back. The conclusion they drew? My brother hid it. Then he felt bad so he put it back.

You and your kids rock! (And so does Mr. Cary :-) )