tiiiired

i'm up late working on something really cute. but i'm too tired to think about the next step in it, so i'm going to go to bed. write a sure to be nonsensical blog post.

how the heck is everyone? i'm not sure who even reads this anymore, and it's more like therapy for me anyway, so it doesn't reeeeeaaalllly matter, but whoever you are, wherever you are, i hope this finds you incredibly well.  if it doesn't, i can assure you, you aren't alone! :)  while i seem to be physically well right now at the moment, there is a lot of tiredness in my life....and sawyer had a tummy ache part of today that seems to have gone away, i sure hope so anyway...ridge is bleeding again, but not badly enough to get blood yet, so we are still home.  but that is nervewracking.  brandon is doing well as far as physical health/not being sick goes, as am i(but i know, i already said that.)

i am sleepy tired, and i am tired tired.  sometimes i don't want to go to sleep bc there is much to be done in the way of housework, laundry, necks to hug, and craftiness around the house.  and i'm a glutton for being home, so i like to stay awake and be IN our home as much as possible.  but i am also mentally and emotionally tired from this ride.  i'm tired, in general, of having to do this.  i know that isn't probably the best attitude to have, but it's still the truth.  it's been too long.  it's been enough....in my opinion. i know i don't call the shots.  and that's fine. we'll keep pressing on, bc really, what the heck ELSE are we going to do until this ends?!?!?  but i'm tired of it.  i'm tired of having to avoid busy places-- places containing people who want to touch the cute baby, bc who the heck DOESN'T want to touch a cute baby or give him high five or whatever?  especially when it's people you are acquainted with!  and it is difficult because you never know if people want to or even have time to hear a big speech at the grocery store or on a walk or even at the hospital about how we can't be around a lot of people/in close proximity with people who might be touchy touchy with ridge.  if i wasn't afraid i'd bore them to death, i'd explain that every single time just so people knew i wasn't being weird....or i was at least being weird for a good reason.  because it is difficult, and i am weary from people not understanding.  don't get me wrong-- i don't feel like anyone is second guessing our decisions or scrutinizing our shut-in type behavior.  i think everyone knows in the basic sense that ridge can't be around a lot of people.  but i am tired of feeling like the bad guy.  all you mommas out there know you would do anything to protect your children....anything at all.  and i will.  but it is a weary road to have to either stay home...or stay a distance away from people when we are NOT staying at home....and it is a weary road to have to tell people to stay away, or to not touch ridge, or to use the hand sanitizer, or to make sure people are immunized if they are going to be close to him.  i HATE it.  HAAAAAAATE it.  bc i'm not the boss of anyone but my children...and i'm really just a steward there anyway.  but as much as i HAAAAAATE and Bdawg hates being the rule maker there....i guess we will press on.  the act itself of having to be precautious like that gets on my nerves.  makes me angry. makes me sad.  and it makes it all the more difficult when you don't feel like you have the platform to explain it.  because everyone's time is precious.  so to all of you who read this and i know many of you who do read this are people who call us regularly....or send us notes of encouragement....or visit at the hospital or even when we are at home....or see us on a walk in the neighborhood....or see us at the grocery store (which we can now go to bc i can totally cover the cart up with my handy dandy shopping cart cover)...or send us text messages...or send sawyer super cool mail....thank you for sticking by us.  thank you for understanding that this is a season. just a season. and one day, this season will be over, and ridge will be able to take all those hugs and kisses i know you are storing up for him.  and we will be able to open our door to you, without reservation and without fear. and i won't have to chase you with germ-x.  and i won't have to ask you to get a flu shot.  and i won't have to wear a mask when I'M feeling under the weather.  and sawyer will be able to go to school. and we will all four be able to go to church.  and we will get to visit family out of town. and we will get to go on vacation. and we will get to go to the movies- all four of us and ridge will be able to sit in the nasty seats and lick all over them if he wants to (although it will still gross me out).  thank you thank you to our friends and our family.  i can not imagine how it feels to have to wonder if it is okay to stop by or okay to breathe when you are in our house or hospital room or whatever you might wonder...i can't imagine. but thank you for trying to understand where we are coming from. and thank you for still being there...bc as much as we need our friends now, i promise we will still need you just as badly when this road is all over and done and we can be in the same room with all of you at the same time.  so thank you for not giving up on us and being faithful to pray for us, encourage us, love on us, whatever it is you do for us- thank you.

my eyes are crossing with tiredness.  i will actually go to bed now.  i hope the day finds you well...or the night...whenever you are reading this.  a few things i can't get out of my head from today:
one friend told me, while sharing some hardships of her own, "but we count our blessings, not our hardships, right?" and oh girl, did i need to hear that.  i think my hardships this year have outweighed my blessings sometimes, but i know that isn't true.  it is the least true thing i could say.  because this year, our friends and family and community and church have stood behind us in a way we never would have experienced had we not been given Ridge.  we are blessed.  it is hard for me to see it some days. but we are incredibly, richly blessed.

and another friend reminded me today...a girl i went to HS with, and haven't seen in probably 10 years.... "by his stripes, we are healed."
AMEN AMEN AMEN.

good night.
xoxo