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wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

blah blahing for you

This post isn't going to have a central theme.  So if you are looking for anything other than a hodge podge, move right along, people, bc there will be nothing to see here.  But if random, sporadic subject changes are something you might be in the market for, keep your eyes peeled, bc you're probably gonna hit the jackpot here.

Ridge is walking like nobody's business.  He doesn't crawl. He walks.  He is jabbering up a storm, but not really saying anything.  I mean, we know he is saying SOMETHING, we just have zero clue what.  Sometimes WE might know what he is saying, but you would never know. It's like his own language.  The cutest language you ever heard.  Until he gets demanding, then it isn't very cute.

Ridge is looking more and more like a little boy. I was going to post some pictures but blogger's image upload isn't working right now.

Wait, maybe it is. I don't know. I will do pictures later.

Sawyer is getting his learn on at school.  The other night I told him we could go get fro-yo at Lushberries in Yukon (bc I had a rockin' groupon to there...) if he said his memory verses.  The kid didn't really want to, but he said all seven of them.  He's impressive.  Today he wrote 15 letters (that's all he knows so far) and we are working on blends heading towards reading.  He is very smart.  We have a spanish workbook and I discovered today we only have one more lesson!  Wow.  I can greet you, tell you my name and how I am doing today...I can tell you most colors...I can count to 10...I can tell you what a handful of foods are...I can tell you how to say mom, dad, grandpa, grandma, boy, girl....I can tell you a lot of clothing items...and school supply items...and we are about to move on to buildings/locations...then we are finished with Spanish.  but we both learned a lot! I got him some more workbooks tonight and finally found some lined kindergarten type paper at WalMart (barfo, I HATE walmart...too crowded for me...but I was there anyway, so there was the paper, so I got it).

What else....not a whole lot.  I've been sewing a lot.  I am finishing up October orders and hoping for just as many in November.  I also have several new items I hope to craft in December because I am taking December off in order to get some Christmas gifts ready.  I can't believe it is almost Christmas again.  I can't believe we might be home for halloween...and Thanksgiving...and Christmas.

It has been so so so good being home.  Ridge got blood last Monday morning at like 5 AM.  It didn't boost him too too high, only to like 11.5....and yesterday, a week later, he was 10.7.  That is very good, considering we take 3 mls of his blood every single day when we flush his line....and considering for about 24 hours he had some darker diapers (not black, but darker)....I am ecstatic for him.  And frankly, I am ecstatic for us. Granted, he still has a central line, and he doesn't have a lot of his vaccinations, so he is still "fragile"...but he is more normal than he's ever been.  He is wearing clothes that are actually the size of his age, finally....and he has the greatest smile and laugh ever.  He loves Sawyer, and Sawyer is a wonderful helper and playmate.  I hope my boys always love each other like they do now-- even though I know they will fight, bc they are brothers.  They love each other a lot. Ridge is a big time cuddler/hugger, especially to his momma.  His daddy usually has to ask for it, but Ridge will randomly just walk up and hug my legs.  Too sweet.

BDawg is just hanging out at work....he is getting to go hunting a bit more this season than last year, bc he has somewhere in Yukon he is allowed to hunt this year.  He is enjoying us being home I am sure, and is helping out a lot with the boys and the house and cheering on his Rangers....and we make a good team with the way things are right now.  He's a great helper, and goodness knows after 8 hours at home with the boys, I need his help when he gets home!

I am still wanting to write a book....haven't jumped on it yet, but thank you to all of you who have offered tons of verbal support!  You have made me feel more confident!

My brain is so full of so many things right now.  I have concerns...I have praises....I have dislikes....I have desires...wishes...prayers, of course, too....one place my mind has gone a lot lately is to our sin and God's grace.  By our sin, of course, I mostly think about mine...but you have some too...bc you know, ALL have sinned.  That means you, too. :)

I think it was perfect timing when I heard this song, which I've always liked but hadn't heard in awhile, the other day:


I am who I am.  I like who I am, for the most part.  But, just like you, and everyone in the world, I have flaws. I have things I don't like about me.  Things that seem intrinsic within me....things that are my self, at war with who I am called to be. I bet you have things like that too...or maybe I just say that to make myself feel better....but no...we all have things like that.  These things I hate, these things that cause me to "miss the mark" (aka...definition of the word SIN), they are things that are not to be a part of my life....or yours...but they still creep up sometimes.  But ....  warts and all, Christ takes me in.  Which is a good thing, because none of us has any hope in our sin.  None of us has any true, eternal hope anyway, not without Christ.  And when I get the most down about my sin is when I feel like there are others with their own agendas, opinions, judgments about it.   Like I don't know it's there?  Um...duh.  But....My Savior's always there for me.....does that mean HE likes when I sin? Certainly not. I don't like it when I miss the mark, so most assuredly He does not, either.  I don't know. I am rambling.  Point, though-- why do I care if arbitrary people have issue with me, if I know I am right with God?  I'm not saying sin so grace can abound more, nor am I saying to be a whitewashed tomb....I just find a sense of freedom in being able to be who I am created to be.  Do NOT misunderstand-- not be who I am intrinsically-- because inside, at the root, we are sinners.  freedom to be WHO I AM CREATED TO BE-- in God's image, the woman He has made me to be.  Will I stumble?  Well, do you?  So sure, I will.  Do I have the capability to stand grasping the hand of the One who put me on my feet in the first place?  Yep.  Do you? Yep.  Am I forgiven in Christ? Yep. Are you? Only you can answer that.  Will I mess up again?  Yep. Will I get up again?  Yep. So when I see others around me doing that....that very same thing...what will I do? Push them back down? Shake a finger of shame at their face reminding them of their sin and the ugliness it is?  Sigh.  I hope not.  I hope I will help them rise out of the dirt, no matter how many times they fall in it.  Or I hope I will at least stand back and rejoice quietly if helping them rise isn't really what they need. I don't know. I just find it frustrating how pious we can be at times.  You don't have to agree...I warned you I was going to be fairly random tonight.

I don't really have a lot of sense to make, I'm just working through my thoughts and feelings and thinking on some conversations via email, facebook, phone, real life...you  name it.

So what? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? Who AM I?  Who are YOU?  I don't know.  I want to be as free as Christ intends for me to be. I want my chains to be removed- chains of sin, chains of concern for what you, you, you, her, him, whoever thinks about me, chains of what society says is right or wrong, chains of what "religious" people say is right or wrong...whatever. I want what JESUS says is right.  Not what you THINK Jesus says is right.  What HE says is right.  I want to be pleasing to him.  Not you. Not any of you, or any of "them."  Not that I don't value your opinion, because of course, I do. But I don't value your judgment (for those of you who internalize things- I'm not necessarily speaking directly to YOU specifically, so dont' get your feelings hurt. :) I'm RAMBLING, journaling, sharing my thoughts...).  I want to be able to look past the sin of my fellow humans, even if I can't see it, because it is most definitely there, and love them the way I know Christ loves me.  I want my relationship with Christ to be right, of course, but I do not want sin and Satan to have the power over me to let my sin weigh me down anymore than this: through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, my sin be brought to my attention, my self be bowed down, and forgiveness be sought, and granted, through the Love of Jesus Christ.  Because He HAS overcome.  Sin and death has NO power over me.  Because I am in Christ Jesus.  So even though I fall, every single day, He WILL raise me up. Every. Single.Day.  And I'm hard enough on myself. Sin is heavy enough. You're hard enough on yourself. Sin is heavy enough. You don't need me adding to your load.  So I hope I don't. I hope YOU don't.  I hope that, in Christ, we lighten each other's loads.

I hope that this was random enough for all of you.  I'm not sure I'm finished. But I'm going to stop for tonight.

Psalm 139:14
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.


So are you.

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