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wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Friday, December 18, 2009

remembering.... husband is older than 30. ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Yesterday, I wrote about this not being the first birthday my husband has spent in the hospital.  The majority of my small group of followers knows that two years ago, Brandon's dad died.  Today is the two year mark.  Right around Christmas, and right after Brandon's birthday.  So December isn't always a fun month.  So anyway, that's what we remember for Dec. 18th- the day Brad left this earth and went on to Heaven.

It feels kind of wrong to say I wish he were here- not because I don't, bc really, I do wish he were still with us.  Wrong only bc for whatever reason, God allowed Brad to be taken from us and taken TO Him.  And in that I'm not divine and all, I feel like it isn't my place to say I wish he were here  NOW since NOW he is in Heaven, and from what I figure, while on earth I know he loved life and loved his family, he is probably having a TREMENDOUS time in Heaven.

I am so irritated bc I just typed the rest of this post only to have it deleted.  So I will try to duplicate it....but I'm sure I will fail.

I don't understand why things like this/that happen to people like Brad.  I don't know how I feel about "God allowed this to happen" mentalities either.  I mean, obviously, God ALLOWED it to happen, but it's a little bit of a tough pill to swallow taking it to "this was part of God's plan." hmmmm....I'm not philosopher, and I'm not claiming to be, but I don't get that, and I don't really buy it.  But maybe it's true.  But I'm not swallowing that.  I just think it's something I can't understand.  I think God obviously KNEW it was going to happen, and he will use it for good, but seriously-  just don't get it.  I know it didn't surprise God. And I know that because Brad chose Jesus, he's in Heaven right now and wouldn't come back to earth to live even if he had a chance to.  So that's good enough for me.  I know he's happy and he's living a "life" better than even the great life he had here on earth.  So I will just remember him-- how he made me feel like another of his daughters, how he loved on Sawyer, how he had fun with his own kids, how he loved his wife, how he was always willing to help out- setting up stuff in the superheat for Sawyer's birthday party, installing our new dryer (even if he did scratch it), buying and delivering a freezer for Brandon and me, how he had a great smile and gave great hugs and how I don't think I ever met someone who didn't like he was honest and didn't stand for things that were wrong.  How he knew his faith and was willing to be bold in it.  How he spilled some lime cilantro stew in the backseat of his truck and it was all orange (though it did wash out)....I also won't forget that the "bigness" of the things in our life the night we found out he had leukemia- like the fact our babysitters dumped us leaving us without childcare for a week before Christmas break and I was in tears over this, calling my in laws to see if they could help out, not expecting to hear what I heard on the other end of the phone- the bigness of that stuff in our life, it just disappeared in comparison.  How five and half days later, he wasn't even with us anymore.  Those are facts, but they aren't fun to think about.  So instead I'll remember how he didn't like the way it sounded when you squeaked a balloon.  Stuff like that.   And I didn't even know him long enough to have a ton of memories- but I don't have one bad one of the guy.  And I think that's pretty good.

So that's what I'll think about.  I also know that he wouldn't want us to be sad, though there will always be some sadness because he's gone...but he's gotta be happy right now--- up in heaven, dancing on the streets of gold...well, i doubt it bc I never saw him dance...well, maybe he's two steppin' on the streets of gold. who knows....but he is complete now.  He is where he was destined to be, because he made the choice to follow Christ with his life.

So for now, I will remember all the good things I do know.  Like how my husband, who I used to think looks just like his mom, has now begun to look often exactly like his dad to me.  And how my littlest boy is often the spitting image of my husband, and is just as often the spitting image of my father in law-- his granddaddy.  And I will remember today was the day, two years ago, one of the greatest people I've ever known left our lives to join the saints in heaven.

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