home....still.

wowza!  this is our second wednesday...in a row...to be home!  i'm not certain of ridge's status, so i don't know for sure how much LONGER we will be home...but still.  All last week, his hemoglobin was around 15.  Saturday it dipped to 12.9 (which is still GREAT, people.... 9-14 is all considered normal).  So we stopped the antibiotic he was on.  Sunday it was back up to 13.something and Monday it was 13.9, Tuesday 14.1, and then....Tuesday afternoon I just had this sick, sinking feeling.  Like, "it's back.".....not that "it" ever goes away.  So, I waited around on Brandon to get home, I went to buy some groceries, and I asked him to check Ridge's hemoglobin (I had to go buy groceries! For the first time in like SIX months!)....so, while I'm at Wal-Mart, I get a text saying hgb is 12.8.  This is still REALLY good, but from 14.1 yesterday morning....not a good drop.  The diapers hadn't really changed any, so it was just odd.  But I knew it- bc I had that feeling.  Mother's intuition is a freaky thing, people.  Did I blog about the time they took his picc line out, or gave him a shot or something and I wasn't looking, I was away from the bed completely, and I said, "did you just (do whatever) in his (right/left) arm?"  The answer: yes.  he wasn't crying, so that didn't give it away. I felt a pain in the exact spot (whatever) happened.  When he got his port...man, the left side of my chest hurt for days!  All of that, plus motherly instinct...weird.  This morning, the diapers still look the same....his hemoglobin was 14.1 again.  So I hope we're good.  On paper, things are super.  He still looks a little weak/sickly to me in the eyes.  So we will see what today brings.  I am so glad to be home.  It's really hard when things are iffy, though.  It's easier to be home when you aren't worried....and I'm not worrying myself sick or anything, I just have this sinking feeling that hasn't been present for about a week. 

Grocery shopping was good.  I love Target.  I love how they sell a hazelnut biscotti granola- WITH chocolate chunks- that contains NO dairy.  love that.  chocolate- FINALLY- and no worrying!  I also love how I will be getting to have an uncrustable for lunch today and I never buy stuff like that.  BUT I bought whatever I wanted at the store yesterday.  Because I haven't bought food for my family in...like I said...about six months!  So...we might be eating things we NEVER get to eat in this house....bc in general, I like to feed my family healthy stuff....so side note: those uncrustables I bought have no milk in them, which is for me, not my family, AND they are whole wheat.  so...yeah.  And....don't gag here....for the first time in almost SEVEN years of marriage, I made something for dinner I've NEVER made, but something that has been brought up more than once, something my husband loves....SALMON PATTIES.  Carys, rejoice.  It probably won't happen ever again bc that salmon in the can looks flipping SCARY but that's what we had...and they were good.  I'd had them before, but I'd never MADE them, bc well, the salmon looks scary to me and well, they are pretty greasy!  But even saw-man loved em.  We didn't sit down for supper till almost 8 oclock, but we had a feast!  If salmon patties can be included in a feast . I just mean, a lot of food.

God is good to us.  I am a little down/on edge right now.  But...He is good.  We are home.  we have BEEN home awhile.  i got to see some friends.  I got to get a pedicure.  I got to go grocery shopping.  WE got to go to CHURCH!  I'm drinking GOOD coffee, not hospital coffee-- blecccckkkk!  I'm getting to sleep in our bed!  snuggled up next to baby ridge!  And I get to see Sawyer every single day!  for more than an hour!  We got to go outside!  Ridge is smiling!  When I was stressed out last night, I ran into one of our fellow Yukon Church members and got to share that Ridge's hgb had dropped, which was such a blessing bc I know this woman prays for us and Ridge, and I had just thought in the car, God, I need to see someone who can be praying about this.  And...well...there ya go.  She knows who she is-- Thank the Lord I bumped into you!  No coincidence.  Plus Target is just really great.  I'm such a mess sometimes.  So small in faith.  So scared.  So sick of everything.  So ungrateful.  Thankfully, in the midst of who I am, God is the same as He's always been.  And He loves us- and well, that's all I got. For now.


I have a lot more I want to share from the heart, but he's getting frustrated.  So I will sign off for now.