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wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Sunday, August 9, 2009

thoughts for the end of today

First off, thanks for all of the prayers and all of the comments. We appreciate everyone who is standing in the gap for us. As far as blood goes, in answer to a previous comment, we are good for now, but please consider donating for Ridge in 2 weeks, a month, or sometime in the near future when supplies will be down some again.

Today was a really hard day. I want to be asleep but I've stepped out while they change a dressing on Ridge's central line so that I can avoid hearing his screams/cries...although I actually hear them through the heavy double doors and over the blaring TV here in the waiting room.

I have felt like I've been walking with my head in a cloud all day. I took some time to pray this afternoon and several songs sprung to mind. I was so blessed to read the comments on the previous blog, b/c some of you shared songs and verses that blessed me this evening. As I prayed this afternoon, I was convicted that I have not given my son completely to Jesus. I have tried, but I haven't done it. As a mother, I want to fix him. I want to scream when people don't take care of him like he is their first priority. I am broken for him and would do anything to trade places with him. I just want to stop the bleeding (which has started up again) and take him home and play with him and love him. I am just so "lost" feeling right now. So I took some time to be reminded and to recommit my son to the Lord. During this prayer time, one song kept coming to mind. I will share it here, forgive me if the words get messed up. This is my cry today...

Hungry, I come to you, for I know you satisfy.
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.

So I wait for I wait for You.

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me.
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

That's not all of it, but that's the part I can't stop feeling. I just feel so desperate and needy for the Lord to just pick me up and hold me and carry me straight through this. I keep praying that God would just heal my the Bible just a touch of his robe healed the woman who had been bleeding for years. I desire that for my baby boy-- just a little of the power of Christ in him to heal him. I am so desperate to see God in this. I know he is here. I know he has done mighty things. I just want to see and hear him with an abundance of clarity...there is nothing and no one else I can cling to any tighter than I am clinging to Him...I feel like a lost little child right now.

Exhaustion is creeping in. I went to the chapel tonight and prayed long and hard for my son. I was about to come back to the room when Brandon called and said to wait a few more minutes. So I sat down and prayed some more....and 20 minutes later my mom is sitting by me waking me up from the hardest sleep I think I've slept in forever. I'd missed 3 phone calls from her and Brandon trying to tell me to come back to the room....I was just completely zonked right there in the pew of the chapel.

Pray for us. Pray for rest. Pray for Ridge- for healing, for the bleeding to stop, for the breathing/respiration/blood-oxygen levels to normalize, for wisdom for the doctors b/c I know this is a confusing disease for them to be having to treat, and that is scary to me. Pray that our nurses would understand that this is a serious disease, b/c I am afraid my son will be overlooked b/c he looks perfectly healthy on the outside and his vitals are usually good. But he is having serious internal bleeding. He is also having serious apnea issues at night. We are afraid for him, and we need to feel like we have some people taking care of him who understand those concerns. Pray he would be made whole again.

Thank you for everything you've done for us and are continuing to do. Much love to all of you.


Tera said...

Alisha~ I'm not sure if you got my FB message pertaining to James 5:14! Have you guys been able to do this? I have been blessed with this two times (for two different illnesses) and it truly is a blessing! I can't put into words what a peace it brings you heart and mind! The first time was when I was pregnant w/Danny! They laid hands and prayed w/the anointing oil because I was going in to have a platelet transfusion done for Danny when I was appx. 8mos pregnant w/him! They did it through the embellicle and drew out blood from him at same time to do a platelet count! He also was sedated ~ in the womb! I know that with all I watched him endure that with out the peace brought to me through the Holy Spirit and the knowing that we did exactly what God says to for the ill~ without having that~ I know, without a doubt, that I would have completely fallen apart! To this day it amazes me that I didn't ~I know it was God responding to our prayers with the anointing oil and the faithful prayers! I know that trembling feeling and how your heart feels like it's being ripped right out, and I'm not saying James 5:14 will make all that go away, but it's like ~ The Holy Spirit can instantly remind you not to fret~ You are covered! And leaving everything to His will is a blessed peace that will amaze you for ever that you actually got to have it! I hope you can call on your Elders for this to be done for you guys ASAP! I'm keeping you all in my prayers!

Paula said...

Dear Alisha and Brandon - I am just now reading the blog and am petitioning the LORD for you at this moment! I am so sad and disappointed in the events of your day and wish with all my heart that it was all different! Remember that last Monday was a bad too and it got better. Try to live in the"here and now" with the situation or you will get overwhelmed...Ask the Father to get you through one day at a time but probably more like one hour or even one minute at a time. He will, you know! We will continue to storm the gates of heaven for your precious little son! Much Love!

Ally said...

Hello, my name is Ally and I go to OU. I just wanted to let you know that even though I do not know you, I heard about your situation and I am continuously praying for Ridge and for your family. May the Lord place His healing hand upon Ridge, and may He give you the strength and courage to continue on.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ." -Philippians 4:6-7

"I waited patiently for God to help me; then He listened and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, of praises to our God. Now many will hear of the glorious things He did for me, and stand in awe before the Lord, and put their trust in Him." -Psalms 40:1-3

May God bless you and your family.

Brandi Tooker said...

Alisha - my sister in law, Tricia, let me know about your situation. I actually met you once at their house - I think it was Dylan's first birthday. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I have been reading your blog and am praying for your sweet son, you, your husband, and the rest of your family. I have never experienced anything like your situation, so I have no words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that there was one more person praying specifically for Ridge and his healing.

Anonymous said...


You are right about Ridge looking so healthy on the outside. When I looked at his little chubby face yesterday, I thought how adorable he is and almost forgot about this "thing" invading his innocent body. But God sees this "thing" for what it truly is and I know He has dominion over it. We'll keep praying for a total healing for both Ridge's body and for yours and Brandon's hearts!!

Anonymous said...

Alisha & Brandon,
Please know that I am praying for you. I wish I could do more.

Corie said...

My heart hurts for you, Alisha. My family is praying continually for all of you. When I think of what you, as his momma, are going through... Just from having my baby in the hospital when he was born with jaundice was hard enough and that is absolutely NOTHING compared what y'all are going through. I am so sorry. You will be so much stronger when things stabilize. May God give you the supernatural peace that He has given us during our times of crisis. We love you all.

Christy said...

I am praying that God gives you peace that passes all understanding, strength for each minute and joy to help you endure. God is gracious and His love surpasses all we can ask for or understand. And He loves your sweet baby even more than you and Brandon can fathom.