soooo....

i'm sooooo exhausted. i could just sleep all night right here i think.....so so tired.  "right here" being at the computer (desk!).....sawyer's been sick, so i've been worried about ridge or any of us getting sick, and i've been catching up on knitting, taking care of feeding us all, running a few errands, and missing getting to work with students.  i've really had some "moments" lately. 

i love staying home with ridge. love it.  but my job is (was?) fulfilling.  i enjoyed seeing the students every day.  i loved teaching AP calc and seeing when students GOT it...or when they hung in there even though they didn't get it (which happened as often as not! and they'd be the first to tell you that).  i miss the other classes i taught, although (and i know some of those students read this- so heads up...)their behavior was oftentimes atrocious.....we still had a lot of fun.  i miss my coworkers.  i will never miss dropping my kids off at daycare, no matter how much i love the daycare-- most moms would love to be able to spend all day with their kids.  and just so this is noted- i LOVED sawyer's daycare.  CNW....best place ever!!!  such a sad day when we had to admit we couldn't afford it.  but oh how glorious God took  care of a new place for sawyer, and we loooove the 3 yr old program at M.Elementary as well!  but all in all, even if it HAS been six months, i'm not adjusted.  because i still miss my kiddos- the occasionally disrespectful ones, the super smart ones, the down to earth ones, the funky ones, the fun ones, the whatevers.  i miss them.  i truly truly do. 

i have found myself all weekend having little moments of tears because i don't get to see my friends at work.  i don't get to be working in my classroom...with my students.  i went to the school to clean out some things this week, and brandon pickedthem up for me...and even he admitted he was sad about it, bc he knew i loved working with those students. i know this is just what is...but i hate it.  i wouldn't leave ridge for a second....but i still hate it.  i hate having to work out other insurance. i hate having to think there's no way we could have another baby until i go back to work, which may be....never? who knows.  i don't.  i hate hate hate it.  it's so selfish for me to want everything to be "normal"...but that's what i want.  a little stupid american dream life.  i don't need a giant house or a pearl colored escalade that makes me drool....i love our house. my car is small but gets the job done.  i love my boys and my husband.  i love having time to knit and make jewelry.  i just truly truly miss working with students.  there were a lot of things teaching wise that were "burdensome"...but for the most part, the students themselves were not- i'm not saying i had ZERO trouble makers, or ZERO unmotivateds...hands down, i had some real pieces of work in my classes.  but i also had some incredibly ingenious students, some caring students, some super fun students, great helpers, and people who genuinely became friends to me and to my kids (as in, my actual biological children).  and i miss making those relationships.  i miss getting to be "mrs. cary"....not just the NAME, but the person.  aaaaah....i loved my job.  i hope one day to return.  to have MLT behind us, and two healthy happy boys and a third on the way (NOT now, ONE day!)....to be "livin the dream"...bc I'm selfish.  Because ya know, this is the road that has been laid before us.  WE have been chosen for such a time as this.  That doesn't mean I always like it, though.  It does mean I know I don't have a choice in the matter.  I know Who is in control. I know Who is taking care of us, and our every need.  I know Who knows what is best and that apparently, at this point, is me not working.  And I can swallow it.  Jagged little pill that it is, I can do it.  But I still miss it- I still feel lonely over it sometimes.  Because that was a huge part of who I am.  And even though i enjoy tasting this stay at home life...even though I don't know if I ever DO go back to teaching if I will STAY a teacher for...ever....I know I miss it.  I pray I have a more conducive to God's will attitude.  I'm not upset.  I'm just sad.  A piece of me, a part of me, was removed...kinda without my consent.  But who am I to give consent?  It isn't my choice.  We are given what we are given, and that's life.  And that's okay.  It's better than okay, I guess.  Because it's life.  and as long as I'm alive, life with Ridge, even if it's not how I dreamed it would be, is better than life without him. 

I gotta stop for tonight...or I'll be too upset to ever shut up. 

good night all.