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wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

thought for myself today....might not like it....

warning/caution/whatever:  this post isn't entirely for the faint of heart or the virgin-eared. if you have some beef with Derek Webb or his music, I'd skip reading today's post.  i'm not saying i agree with everything that comprises derek webb's beliefs....or don't worry about me going there today.  some of the lyrics shared here might bother some of you. the playlist is set to where you have to hit play today, bc i don't want the song to just start if there are words you don't want to hear/your kids to hear...feel free to skip the blog until i get a new post up...bc this is what i'm sharing today. i apologize if i offend you- i'm just sharing my heart today and in no way do i want my choice of music/lyrics to be offensive, so i'm just warning you.  my intent is not to offend.  but sometimes, that happens i won't apologize for being honest with myself and with you....but i do want you to have warning!

thanks to a different derek for reminding me of this song today.  i was reminiscent for a moment, enough so that i purchased the album for my itunes collection. 

so i'm sitting here....reading these lyrics...listening to this music....trying to decide what words to write and knowing that really if i said nothing, some of you would have already taken enough from just that to be moved in some way today- good or bad, i don't know.  but i'm going to share my reflections...and you may or may not take any insight from it, and that's fine too.  this is gonna be a long one, so brace yourself.
Wedding Dress
derek webb

If you could love me as a wife
And for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need?
Or is there more I’m looking for

And should I read between the lines
And look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want?

‘Cause I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
And I run down the aisle, I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on just like a ring of gold
And I run down the aisle
I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child?
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side
‘Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

[Chorus x2]
Because money cannot buy
A husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

[Chorus x2]

Last night, I was driving home from running a few errands.  I was thinking about everything we've been going through the last almost year....I couldn't word my thoughts correctly...but...yeah, this kinda sums it up. yeah.  

i mean, has my faith been taken, destroyed, ripped to shreds through all of this? no way. my faith is still there.  i don't doubt God's providing. I don't doubt  God knows what was and is coming.  I don't doubt his ability.  My faith, be it ever so small sometimes, is there.  It's THERE.  But is it always active?Does it always impact the decisions and actions our family makes? the decisions I make- let's leave it at that.  Let's just talk about me and leave everyone else out for now.  Because really, that's what we all need to do sometimes, look at what the heck is up with US.  This post doesn't just deal with our/my MY struggles since Ridge was diagnosed with this nightmare.  Because the truth is, if i didn't struggle with hypocrisy before, this song never would have been written.  because all of us who follow Christ have issues like this.  again, if we didn't, this song never would have been written.

Is it not enough that I've been redeemed by blood? by a life?  is that not enough?  why do I (and anyone else for that matter) expect any more?  I don't have a some RIGHT to expect financial provision, health, good fortune, whatever.  YES, my God will provide all [my] needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (I'm sure that's paraphrased).  But what if he didn't?  should it matter?  I have been bought with a price. And that's great that I can just claim my faith with convenience. Good job.  "run down the aisle" and then flit away.  To whatever- whatever the world can offer.  Does that mean money is bad? Does that mean ANYTHING we desire is bad? no. well maybe some things are bad.  But I believe we are given passions and deep desires to do certain things and i think those desires, if not blatantly out of line with scripture, are from the Lord.  At this point, someone is thinking "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  right.  i mean it- right.  But that verse is often misunderstood I think.  if we are delighting ourselves in the Lord, we will be given all these things we desire?  yeah, i don't think that's what is meant.  i think it means if we are truly DELIGHTING ourselves in the Lord, he will give us the DESIRES of our heart- the desires themselves will be given by the Lord.  here's what i'm saying.  i have things i want/desire.  so...if i just begin delighting myself in the Lord, he will give me those things?  no.  no no no.  maybe sometimes, but that's not what i think that verse means.  if i begin delighting myself in the Lord, those things I want/desire may totally go by the wayside and i may forget all about them, bc he will actually GIVE me the true desires of my heart- desires i didn't even know were there.  

i can't tell you what else i'm chasing after, because i don't even know what it is. God's been good to me to give me time at home, to give me a passion for creating things, to bless that and to give me a peace that if nothing comes of it, that's fine.  I just enjoy my time at home and my time creating things and that's all it is- something I enjoy and can hopefully glean some success from.  I enjoy writing this blog but I won't ever be famous from it, and that's fine by me. I hope to go back to work in a year or two but I don't know if I will get to, and I have a peace about that.  But I'm not skipping around hand in hand with my savior all day long either.  I have peace about some things, I have a lack of peace about others.  So while I don't know what I'm chasing after, I am fully aware that I'm flitting around.  Because, really, it must be so difficult for us to just swallow ourselves and say, whatever befalls us, YOU are all we need.  Like Job 1:21  "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

So know this.  I have faith in my God.  he will see me through and he wont' change even if  my faith falters.  I am in his hand and I can not be removed.  But I am soooo not perfect.  And things WAY less satisfying than our Lord are settled for  in my life.  Often, my faith is weak at best and is shaky and I live just like everyone else.  "everyone else"....but we are better than that.  We are children of the King. No, scratch that, we are not any better than that.  There is none not righteous, no not one.  We're all dirty sinners.  But many of us have cast that sin to Jesus and let him take it.  So let him take it.  I'm talking to me as much as I'm talking to you. Whatever satisfies you, or seems to satisfy you...whatever you are setting is not okay for me to be deceived by the things of this world.  It's not.

The things that plague us and are important to us in a moment- like a job, a purchase, a relationship that for some random reason has gone awry, health- yours or someone else's, a marriage in limbo, a struggle to conceive, whatever it is- lay it down. some of those things are plaguing my own life right now...the consumption i am giving them is ridiculous. the energy and effort i afford to them makes them, often, my Lord.  we have something so much greater to satisfy us. 

I apologize for the ramblings.  If you are still with me, I have to close with this.  If this post has done nothing for you but take up lots of minutes of your day, I'm sorry-- but it has been therapeutic for me.  So I close with part of Hebrews 12.  Emphasis added, by me.

 1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
 4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
   "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
      and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
      and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
 7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
 12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

In no way do I think Ridge's disease is a punishment from God.  But I do think this hardship, and others we are facing *some of which are probably discipline from God*, is a way to test our faith.  It is a way to be taken through the fire and emerge more whole than before. 

It's a beautiful day here today.  A beautiful run down the aisle and run and run and run in sweet fellowship with the King.

1 comment:

Corie said...

Thank you for this blog. You would never know it unless I told you, so now I am telling you- I needed this and I will share it with my husband because we have been praying for revelation as to some things we have been going through and I feel that part of it was revealed to me through the words that God gave you here. Sorry if I am rambling, just thanks for your honesty and your blog.