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wife. mom. adjunct professor. we homeschool. i'm a little bit OCD. i love math. bright colors and geometric designs make me drool. we live with a medical rarity, and Jesus saved his life. through that, Jesus is changing us. The american dream and status quo is overrated...and sometimes just plain wrong. our lives, our family, our careers, our faith are all now filtered through a new lens-- thank you Jesus. welcome to our crazy. feel free to take some of it with you, we have plenty to go around.
It's not the load that breaks you down; it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.-- Jesus Christ

Monday, March 21, 2011

why do you visit?

I don't know why people read this blog- I'm sure there are all sorts of reasons---
A) once you started you couldn't stop (ha, I'm not that interesting, I don't think, but I have a few blogs that I read on a regular basis, even about people I don't know, just bc I can't stop reading perhaps this is some of you people's reason...)
B) you know me, or of me, personally, and like to keep up with me, or my family...
C) you find inspiration here sometimes- usually I don't try to inspire on purpose, but I am told it does, thanks to the Lord for using me there....
D) every once in awhile I have practical advice
E) my kids are really cute and funny
F) you like to check in on ridge...i'm sure that's how most of you found me in the first place, here.  I was writing the blog a while before we even knew Ridge was sick, truthfully. kind of exploded in a very small sense, when Ridge got sick.  Some people read to know how to pray for us.  Others read to keep up with us (because living in the hospital, thinking that terrible things are about to happen- some of which DID happen, one of which I am incredibly thankful did NOT happen...but anyway, living in the hospital it is virtually impossible to keep people posted by phone or text regularly- it is too stressful, emotional, etc the blog was a way for everyone to find out what was going on).  Others read just because they couldn't stop- it becomes somewhat addictive when someone you know, or don't know, is hurting or going through a tragedy- especially if they open it all up for everyone to read, because...well...there it is- you can read their innermost thoughts, the things that previously they may have only told God.  And there's something that we all kind of like about that.  It's okay- I'm the same way, and I am the one who posted it all for you all to read. There is beauty in being honest and being as un-candid as you possibly can.
Whatever finds you here, for whatever reason you started reading or keep reading...I am glad that you do.  I like that I don' thave a lot to update on Ridge- because truthfully speaking, that means things are good. Sawyer had his first TBall game tonight, so Ridge and I made our way to the ball field.  It was our first outing- we have been in hibernation. I would say we've been in a cocoon, but in general things that emerge from cocoons are beautiful, and while I've had a good innerworking makeover, externally I'm not so sure things look any more beautiful than two years ago- these two long hard years have given this lady more wrinkles and more grey hairs, and made me start to just feel old. I'm not old. I know that. But I feel kind of old after living through this.  And I am on shaky feet some days because I am not certain the worst is truly behind us- maybe I am certain of that, but maybe I just fear that something is going to sneak up on us.  I don't know how to be normal, and I don't pretend that I know how to be normal. I know I'm weird, and I think knowing that makes me more sane than insane.  Anyway, Ridge had a blast. It took him awhile to warm up to the fact there were so many people there, but once he did, he wanted to traipse all around that field (well, the "fan" part of it- he wasn't on the actual field).  Sawyer had a good time, too.  His team lost, but I don't even know if he knows that.  So we emerged from hibernation, is what I'm trying to tell you- hibernation fits because we probably look sleepy and rough instead of rested and brilliant like a cocoon emergence would imply.  Ha, either way, we have been in hiding, and we have come out, changed.  We are a little doe eyed and scared.  The world is all new to Ridge.  I mean, duh, he's been outside in the backyard and stuff, and been around family and some friends, but he just hasn't had free rein yet on the world.

Pray Sawyer and Ridge do NOT get sick!  I was praying that on the way to the game and even as I say the words I know that if it DOES happen, God will take care of us. I told Him so.  I also told Him really don't want to have to learn a lesson through some little cold or illness, so let's please not have to go through that.  I am trying to have faith that we will stay well.

The last week or so has been kind of weird for me.  It was Spring Break, but we were home.  It was the first Spring Break that we have been home, not in the hospital, and I haven't been a teacher.  I know some of you might be tired of reading about me, my struggles with missing my job, etc...that's okay, you can just go read something else for now and check back here in a few days for a new post.  But...I can't help but write what I'm thinking/feeling. Anyway, so this week was weird.  It wasn't really a break at all. It was just normal.  Some days I feel okay with not being a teacher...I mean, I can't change the fact that currently, I am a stay at home mom.  And I will be a stay at home mom as long as I have to be- and I'm totally okay with that.  And some days, I'm not only totally okay with THAT, but I'm totally okay with NOT being a teacher anymore (no one has to get all deep and say that I AM a teacher to my boys- I know that...that isn't what I'm talking about, though...).  Other days, I'm totally okay with being a stay at home mom, but I'm not okay with not being a teacher- most days I still really miss it.  Tonight, at TBall, I got to see so many friends from the high school-- a ton of teacher's kids are on our Tball team.  And it was so good to see them, all of them.  But it also leaves me with a weird ache inside bc I'm not a part of that right now.  I know some of them are reading this-- because they are my friends, and they keep up with us....I miss those friends, and I am so glad for this opportunity to see them regularly.  But it stirred in me a feeling I haven't had in two years...a feeling of, I used to be a part of all of that, and now I'm not.  Not that I'm not still friends with all of those fantastic people, because I am, and they all understand why I had to step down for awhile, and they are all supportive.  But I want to be ... done with this part of my life...and back to that one, and it is a hard lesson to learn that I have to do things on God's timing, not He on mine.  It was so sweet for me to be able to get to see those people tonight though.  I needed it very much!  Those people are great blessings in my life- they were two years ago, and they have been through these two years, and they still are.

As we left the TBall game, we saw some college age guys playing volleyball a little bit away.  Several of them were former students- not all great students, but all great great people.  Some I knew for only a semester, others a year, and another I had the honor of teaching them their junior and senior year.  I hadn't thought about those students in probably the past two years of my life- they aren't students I keep up with regularly, nor do they keep up with me.  They don't read this to my knowledge, so...I'm really just rambling.  There are some students I still talk to on a pretty regular basis. Some have become friends, others are still just former students and I'm their former teacher and we say hi when we see each other and we visit about what's going on right now...others have become close to my family and my kids...and then there are some I haven't seen or heard from at all since the last day they were in my classroom, be it 7,6,5,4, 3, or 2 years ago.  But these students, tonight, are students I haven't seen or heard from in the last couple of years, maybe even 3 years...and they were busy and we were leaving so we didn't "catch up" tonight either.  But it took me right back to the time they were in my class.  A couple of them in particular had a lot going on their senior year-- un-fun stuff, difficult stuff, and I don't know everybody's whole story so....all I know is that my husband was still teaching at the HS then, and we both knew these students.  They were really good people.  Not great students on paper, but just good guys.  I'm sure they got into their share of trouble, but Brandon and I both had a heart for them, and I don't know that we ever did anything that amounted to a lot of difference in their life, but I know we sure tried.  And seeing them tonight, although they may never ever know it, took me straight back to how I felt on those days a few years ago when I didn't know how to offer a lot of help to those two, but I knew they needed it.  And I spent a lot of time praying for them and every chance we had that we could do something for them, we tried to do so.  And even though they may not remember me the way I remember them, just seeing them from a distance tonight was so nostalgic that it was just what I needed to be reminded that I totally have to go back to teaching.  I have to.  I know I said in my previous post that I will go back to teaching when I am able to, when God works that all out- I know that.  But when I have times that I don't see how it will work out, etc etc, when my heart becomes full of doubt-- then things like being at a  4/5 year old tball pre season tourney happens and I see so many teacher friends and I see students I didn't really expect to ever run into again...sometimes I think God just gently whispers reminders that His plan is greater.  That He knows our heart and that He has these insanely wonderful plans for us, and that He will fulfill them in His time. those teachers who were just watching their kids play tball tonight, and to those students who probably will never read this but were just out hanging out playing volleyball tonight...thanks.

I suppose that was enough words to last us all a few days.

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